Woman's Month

It feels great. But there is so much work to be done, for rural women to feel the same freedom. I feel there is a big part a person can play. I am eager to free HIV positive women to feel free to make right choices for their lives.

I am looking forward to packaging programmes for August. I would love to make programmes which are close to my heart. Helping married women negotiate a condom within a home. Old women to be safe from infection as they help their ill kids. And women who are infected to get into healthy relationship.

I am working hard to reach the dream, where my son can wake up to a world with no infection.

THE FUTURE

I'm contemplating doing a reality show. Yes. I've always loved reality show. From Survivor, The Apprentice and many recent ones. I think that is linked to my love for reading autobiographies to try and understand what makes people tick. Reality show are just that for me. I find them most interesting.

In July I will be going on a tour again of KZN doing motivational talks with the Office of the Premier. I had a fabulous time in February and many times I wished I could record it. This time I'm doing just that. I want to record it. Not me, but the people I come across. I want people to see where I go to. What views people share and to see the country.

I am thinking about it seriously. I will know for sure if it can be done in a week's time. I'm excited the possibility of doing it.

I will keep in touch and let you know.

UNSURE WHAT TO DO ...

I've been around KwaZulu Natal in 9 Districts and prisons. I've seen how people are still struggling with the shame, of being infected with HIV. Women living with HIV not brave enough to disclose to their husbands and partners about their status. They take ARVs but continue to have unprotected sex.

Young people doing Grade 12 with no dream to study further. Due to lack of information about funding opportunities. Young people who continue to have unplanned pregnancies. It is something unimaginable. To go to school with no dream to be anything else. Because there is no money to study further. But opportunities are there. Young people are just not aware.

But mostly, Poverty. People who are unable to take their medication because there is no food to eat.

With all these problems. I feel torn. I wanna help, but I am not sure where to start. How to make it sustainable? I don't have much, but with the little I have, I wanna make a difference. No matter how small.

THE POWER OF SEX!

 It all began here. In Mkhambathini. In the middle of nowhere. I must have driven for two hours. Through forests, sugarcane plantations. Asking myself...where to? Until I came through a mountainous area. Humid, dusty but with life. People.

I had a discussion with the village women, girls and men about the HIV issues. I came to do a motivation but in turn I received education. Life in the city is another life a continent from people in the rural areas. I used to think it was bad in my village, until I came here. I guess the eye gets used to the common faces and one miss the pain and traumas of life in them. It is easy to say, 'Pick yourself up'. But I've began to ask how, when and the answers are within each and everyone residing in those mountainous villages.

One woman asked me to come to her home and speak to her husband, actually force him to get tested and wear a condom. This young Mama is HIV positive, on ARVs. The husband refuse to test, or to condomise. But forces her to have unprotected sex. She has experienced physical abuse because of her choices to protect herself and take ARVs. I was scared, I still I am. To go to a Zulu man's home, and discuss bedroom business. I feel I am not 'old' enough to handle those issues. My traditional background threatens me. Thank God 'unompilo' jumps in and directs her to some help. Her mother, uGOGO jumps in as well. She confesses that she has been taken to izinduna, Councillors since she has moved to another bedroom and refuses to sleep with her husband due to his refusal to wear protection. I was flabbergasted and proud. A old woman put through explaining to a group of men, why she has left the bedroom. She informed us that, she told the group of men to ask her husband why she has left the bedroom, cause he knows. Now imagine, having to explain to other men, not one, but a group why you have left your bedroom. Shocking. But I love her stamina and vigor. It has been three years. I am extremely proud. I asked the young Mama, you can  learn something from your mother. She looked at me with some hope. The old Gogo, stressed that she has told her to do the same, but she is scared, he will leave her with his six kids.

These stories are the same to the four districts I've been to. The other touching one was the health worker who highlighted the problem with people taking ARVs. They stop taking them because there is no food in the home. I immediately sighed out, thank God for my brown bead and milk at home. It may not seem much, but thinking that, there are people stressed out by living with HIV with no food in the stomach but supposed to take medication. I was touched.  I am gonna do something about that. I don't know what, but I am gonna do something about that. It can't go on.

I still have 6 visits to do this month. I know the stories will be the same every district but also different. One thing I can smile about is that, I love SA. I love Africa and I adore my village people. I am enjoying seeing the country side it's a dream come true. I believe God has send me to these places for a reason and I am not gonna take it lightly. I wanna give people home, life and let them find their purpose in this world.

Intando yakho mayenziwe.

1st PANEL DISCUSSION

It's on. The 1st panel discussion looking at the role of men in dealing with HIV/AIDS related issues. I am very excited about the opportunity to do these pabel discussions. I am so motivated. It feels like a right time, place and opportunity. I am also glad that we are starting with the Church.

The next one will be at a University of Zululand. I am also looking forward to that one too. It's the right time, definately.  

HIV TESTING WITH CELEBRITIES

I am prepared to do this initiative sometime this year 2011. Encourage our KZN celebrities to get tested for HIV. We plan on getting big numbers and making it a reality programme with visual recordings.
http://www.dut.ac.za/DealerNews/newsdetails.asp?newsitem=5209

THE TOUR IS HERE!!!!!

Aha! I'm on that moment. Last year I was disappointed because one of dreams didn't come true. I was planning a tour throughout KZN. I was going to motivate people to get tested for HIV and various other related things. I run up and down and it didn't happen.

Now I've been offered a same thing on a smaller scale. To travel through 11 districts, (juts like I had initially wanted), doing motivational talks (much bagger than I had wanted). I am so excited. I can hardly sit down. I get an opportunity to save lives. Get an opportunity to talk to people also living with HIV. Share ideas, connect believe in our worth. I am sooooo looking forward to it.

I pray that God helps me speak with grace, wisdom and represent him, my family and myself with pride.

AN ACHIEVEMENT

This is the day it all started making sense. Yes, I hugged the Premier. Gave a speech in front of more then 100 people about my status. Had a lovely time. Loved every minute of it. Met amazing people. Learnt a lot and grew into the woman I am today. Thank you Lord. This day changed my life.
http://www.positiveconvention.co.za/readmorediscus.asp?id=21201162636

COUNT DOWN TO WORLD AIDS DAY

It's 7 days away from World AIDS day. You would think it will be Christmas Day. No. But yes to me. I'm looking forward to it. To be able to talk about HIV/AIDS. This is like aday people suddenly wake up and say, "Oh, there is AIDS after all". Well that's fine. But I am gonna make the loudest noice. Let's get tested. Let's change our behaviour. I'm making sure friends become part of this movement. We need to break down this fear. What are we afraid of? Afraid to know if you are well or not? How can that be?

To this day I have a few committment and I hope it grows. 

IF MUSIC BE THE FOOD OF LIFE PLAY ON

I was driving to work sometime last week. A song 'Champagne Life' by Ne-Yo came on. Oooooh! Fabulous hit. Loved it instantly. I suddenly missed my fisrt job being a Technical Producer. I could listen to all types of music, any time. I love sound. I love being in a studio. It does something to my soul, heart beat. You name it. But I console myself that I can have it back. I wanna create shows, put them on the web, approach community radio stations. I get excited just thinking about it.

What would we do without music...without the beat, soothing melodies. I know for a fact I would be lost. It revives me. But hey, I feel so shamed that the first time I saw Ne-Yo. I was ashamed that I love mature music made by a young boy. I love Usher on stage. Now I am hooked again on Ne-Yo. Ooh. Maybe I missed a stage ..lol...ten years between 30 to 40. I'm trying to look around, wondering what have I done for those ten years. I feel like I was struggling so much I missed the music. I missed living. I missed life. I missed my rythm. Now I feel I have to pace. I'm rushing myself, rushing the time. I am hopping back and forth. Living in the moment and re-living what I missed.

It's not so bad. I am finding myself in the process. Maybe there is a reason all of this is happening right now. I can maturely enjoy my adult life...lol, nothing like tapping yourself on the back. One gain ... having a fabulous relationship with my son, my best friend. That's the greatest price I've ever received. I would never have known him like I do now. Our greatest connection, love for music.

So, yes, if music be our food of life play on. I can enjoy it with my son.

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

My goodness...39 years. I've wanted this for so long. I could taste it. And now it's here. Thank you Lord Jesus. This is the best gift you've given me. To be alive.

From the day I was diagnosed HIV positive I've been praying for long life. It's 12 years living with this disease. My prayer is changing. I'm begging for another year, the long and big 40. I know in my heart God will not play games with my feelings. I'm getting energy to fight harder. To enjoy fuller. To smile broader. This life is a blessing and I wanna shine like I've never shined before. I'm trully blessed to be still breathing. I'm blessed.

To have a friend like Jenny. Just had lunch and a beautiful gift. So many best wishes. I am loved. I know that. I'm mnotivated to live longer. I'm motivated to be happy, strong as so many look up to me.

Thank you Lord 

CONFERENCE - LIVING WITH HIV/AIDS

I have been invited to a Conference which will be held on the 5th and 6th of November at Elangeni Hotel. I'm supposed to give a talk about the 'role of people living with HIV'. I'm extremely excited and nervous at the same time. To know that I will be speaking on the same podium with The Mayor Obed Mlaba and Dr. Zweli Mkhize, my goodness just the thought of that makes me 'shake'. 

I attended this Conference last year and it changed my life. I know it is bound to do the same thing as again. I'll meet people who has been doing these talks for years, and those recently diagnosed. The topic is dear to my heart as it addressed the reasons I have taken on this journey of preaching about the importance of avoiding re-infection. I am worried I may step on someone's toes and offend sensitive listeners, while motivating others. I have always been frustrated knowing that there are re-infections. I strongly believe there is no negative person can infect a positive person. What does that say about positive people? Are they knowingly infecting negative people, or there is no protection or care in the world? For the next few days I have to think deeply about that. 

Re-infections. Once we put away a condom and have unprotected sex, what does that mean, to someone already infected? I have been there and it was not a pretty site. I believe from the start that, it is important to to be open about someone's status. If you love someone that much, you must overcome that fear. The most important fear -- should be getting new infection.

Life is manageable though.   

AND NOW...

This week we did the eleventh episode of the HIVAIDS show on Ukhozi FM. I'm extremely proud. I never even thought it would come to this.
From next week we are going out to the 'people'. I am hoping those will be people living with HIV. When I initially thought about the show, I wanted to give those people a voice. I am a bit disappointed that the majority of them are not coming out. At the same time I am proud that we are creating an awareness and educating people.
I'll be interviewing inmates from a Correctional Services. I am scared, not of them but of what this may do. I don't want to put their lives in danger, by making them disclose too much. But I am also excited since it's hard to break those walls and make people talk. I've always wanted to do that, so why not. Looking forward to it. Tune in, that interview will be a documentary format. I want it to be the best show of these series of shows.
I am looking forward to the next ten shows. I am raising the bar. People are gonna be blown away. By the time we do the tour which I am planning for December, things will be hot. Since I am putting this on paper as such, now I have to do it.
Hold on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride. We gonna talk about things we never talk about. When you thought our show about oral sex was a shocker, you haven't seen anything yet. Love you all.

FABULOUS

The show is going into the sixth week. Enjoying it so very much. Touching people's lives, and changing the way people think about themselves. Amazing. Thank God for an opportunity to do this. Looking forward to bigger projects.

THEY ARE BACK - WE TAKE AN INTERMISSION

Ghana is back! Yep, playing Bafana Bafana on Wednesday.

HIV POSITIVE TALK takes a break this week so that we can watch the game. Looking forward to it. Heard some of the superstars didn't make it. I think, what's new?

This give me time to prepare for the next week's show. We will be hosting women living pasitively with HIV. I have always wanted to do this show and thank God this day has come. I am meeting the ladies on Friday. Stay alert, the show will be aired on the 18th of August. We are celebrating women, since it's Women's month.

The next show will address CANCER. We are back on the street, talking to our sisters about pap smear, breast cancer and HIV testing. I will be talking to ladies who often do my hair. I go into that show with a heavy heart since I haven't done pap smear for years. That is why I believe the show will raise my consciousness. Through this show I am learning to love myself a bit more. I am learning to accept myself and pat myself on the back and say, 'Go girl, live". I am enjoying that so much.

Will enjoy watching Ghana. Will enjoy Friday's interviews. You will love the next show.

HIV POSITIVE TALK

H-AI-VEE POZ (HIV+) is the name of our organisation. We do talks on UKHOZI FM between 20:30 and 21:00 every Wednesday.

When I first thought of doing this programme 2008, I thought it would be fun and games. I will be honest. I often used to ask myself, why can't we let people living with HIV just have fun, and forget for a while. Now that I am conducting field interviews, meeting ordinary people on the streets that don't have much voice, I understand.

When I conduct interviews I make sure I approach men, who often hide what they really feel. I want to hear what is their take on issues. I also make sure I target someone who will rarely call the studio. Therefore that means I talk to street vendors, taxi drivers and street sweepers. First of all I am humbled by the conditions they live under. I am motivated by their passion for life. Lastly, I am educated by their views on sex, relationships and HIV/AIDS.

It is enlightening talking to grown men who believe having multiple partners is not a big issue. The idea behind that is that, "as Amazulu, we can have as many partners as we want, that what polygamy is about. Having sex with those women without a condom is a must, because I trust them and they are MINE. If one of them goes out and gets infected, well, too bad". Majority of my brothers and fathers feel thay way, those who believe in polygamy. Some have seen a female condom which they dislike, others even pledge that, "I will stick my finger in there and take it out. I know that big sack". As a woman I listen as I cross my legs almost feeling the discomfort.

I laugh hysterically as women tell how they know the condom is broken, "I know, things starts getting too sweet. I then tell him, wait, it is getting too nice, this thing is broken". As much as we enjoy making love, the condom has become part of the moans and passion in the moment.  I sigh with relief afterwards relieved that, at least she can talk about it. One woman said with pride "sex with a condom is neat and clean. When you are done, you have no sex juices". Wow, I have never looked at it like that, good to note.

I am touched by a good looking brother, with a beautiful smile, starting at me with fear when I asked him why has he never done an HIV test. He looks away and says, "I don't know. I guess I am afraid. I think I might even kill myself when it comes back positive. Who can I tell? Who will support me?". It was like someone has kicked me in the stomach. That statement achoed for all the men and women afraid to test. There is no strong support sytem. The reason I wanted to start this show. Share the love. Caring for other people. For the first time in a long run, I am proud of what I do. I can do this everyday of my life.  

IT'S THE END AND THE BEGINNING

Okay, it's official. My World Cup is over -- for me and my strong support. All the Africa countries are out, Argentina is out, even Germany. I have no choice, I have to resume my life. Yes, I will watch the final -- with a heavy heart, while doing something else. Of course I will be wishing my favorite teams were playing.

I am starting new projects which are sooo close to my heart, I actually should be doing them everyday. I am starting a radio show promoting HIV testing and positive lifestyle when infected. I am extremely positive it will be a success. I am planning to change people's lives and give the voiceless a loud howl. I also plan to travel a bit, of course, during school holidays, so my son is not affected in any way.

I am also crossing fingers the current serial I am writing is extended, which would mean I am writing on a daily basis. That will be a dream come true. It will definitely do wonders for my writing skills. We will also break new ground with the new format we have in mind. I pray God stay with me on this, and if it what He wants for me, for his benefit, I know He will open the door.

It's all coming together. As we close the World Cup door, more real work begins. Of course, God willing, we will be in Brazil in 2014, doing what we were doing in this World Cup. It was fabulous. Met exciting people. Made new friends. And excited about the beginning of a new page, which I have waited long to flip it. Merci beaucoup.

WORLD CUP 2010 - SOUTH AFRICA

Ghana is my last hope. My love for Africa, lies with this this team. This weekend I even bought their flag. I feel ashamed that I only bought a small South African flag. But hey, I am hurt. Bafana Bafana hurt me. I thought they would be spectacular since we are supporting them so strongly. But oh no, they played like high school boys. Ivory Coast did just the same. I don't even wanna start with Cameroon.

But the World Cup is spectacular. being in the stadium is something else. The sound of vuvuzela brings tears in my eyes. The passion, the energy, the love for every human being who shares the same air with me. Ah. thank God I decided to the a volunteer in media. I have seen all the games in Durban.

POETRY

I Want to Be Free

I want to be free, to be myself.
I want to be free of shame
as I walk, smile, enjoy life handed to me,
freely.

I want inner peace.
I want voices to stop. I miss the music.
I do, act and oblige to requests,
believing, hoping acceptance is a given,
but it's not.

I cannot breathe. I don't know how,
how to be myself, or whom to be.
My exterior is fused with an uninvited guest,
covered with shame,
ashamed that I am battling to disclose a secret,
in exchange for some peace.
No one wants to see this, talk about it...
questioning looks, don't you have any shame?
I do.

I am angry. I didn't want this, you.
It was an idea... your idea.
I thought I could be free.
I knew it would be short term.
I thought I could escape, have fun, and it was fun.
Funny that you were not even my final choice,
but I didn't mind.

Anything, just to exhale, to get some sense of release.
I blushed, flirted, smiled, giggled, laughed...
being myself, to some degree.
My toes curled, feeling, tasting your fresh breath resuscitate me.
The excitement reached its peak. I knew I couldn't hold for long.
I was terrified and excited simultaneously.

I could hear my shell cracking, warning me. I was getting closer,
tasting freedom, tearing the shackles.
I took the plunge, wanting it not to end.
I closed my eyes, let go, and exhaled, exposing my being,
merging the exterior and internal... wounds.

I shattered the shell, hoping you would ignore
the scars, the fresh wounds,
and continue to excite me.
I exhaled, giving in completely. Instantly I was free.
Instantaneously everything stopped. You froze, we both did.
The dark cloud overcame the light. The shock, rejection, pain,
reverberated in the core of my spirit, my soul.
The real me revealed, ruining the moment.

You were gone,
without even making a sound.

What happened?
I happened; I came alive, and killed all the life around me.
I grovelled, picking up pieces of my wrecked shell,
calling out to you, to convince you,
It's okay.

But my voice couldn't reach.
I guess the shock and disgust blinded you,
deafened your senses.
Mine were alert, waiting for a saviour,
maybe you.

Angels came, consoling, hugging,
and humming away the pain with soothing tunes.
I held on, covering the wounds, taking smaller breaths,
steps, looking over my shoulder hoping
you might return, knowing you would not.
The voices asked me repeatedly,
What were you thinking? Don't you have any shame?
I do.

Months later, back under my solid shell,
rearranging, adjusting. I open the door
to let in the sunrays, relieved
the majority of your footsteps have disappeared.

But you emerge. You...
You, the same you, with no excuse, or explanation, asking for me.
A collage of hurtful memories and excitement plays simultaneously.
What do I do?
If I, would you, maybe, what if, maybe... no answers.
Neither of us is willing to share.
I'm venting. You watch, no apology,
but a caress of my exterior
shatters my shell into pieces, all over again.

I know that touch. It turns me wild
and breaks me in the process.
I hold on trying to hide as you convince me,
This time it will be different.
I missed this, I enjoy this, but is it real this time, will you stay?
I give in, again.

To my surprise, the ecstasy is gone;
it's dull, like touching an old wound.
Delicate, soft and quick touches, with no meaning.
You must be disgusted; I'm disgusting.
Faking the excitement was a rescue, to save us both.
You must be revolted.
With eyes closed and your hands clutched, we lay silently,
fully clothed, bodies apart, only fabrics touching.
I want to be free. I need my home, my safety shell.

Where to from here?
Voices whisper, Give it your all,
before slamming the door shut.
Anything left to say?
The climax is over. There is no other beginning.
Being here or there feels the same. One thing remains.
I want to be myself, to be free.
Can you help me? Do I need you?

FRIENDS

Where would we be without friends. Hooked up with a friend I have missed so much...OKECHI...I have missed you my friend. It was good talking to him. This is one man I wish to know for eternity. There is nothing amazing we do or talk about except of coursing just 'fooling around'. But his existence means so much to me. ....I love talking to him. He makes me so angry at times. I ignore him for months or weeks, then we get to talk again, it's like a breath of fresh air. Ask me what do we talk about.  Mostly politics. I am amazed how much he knows about my country.
The man is based in Kenya, but you would think he is right next door. He converse about issues like he is in the country. Amazing. And then I feel bad. I don't follow up on issues in Africa, I only do if something big happens. But Okechi, no he knows it all. My passion and deep love for my continent is kept alive by friends like these. Love u Okechi. I love being friends with you. COME TO THE WORLD CUP.