WORLD CUP 2010 - SOUTH AFRICA

Ghana is my last hope. My love for Africa, lies with this this team. This weekend I even bought their flag. I feel ashamed that I only bought a small South African flag. But hey, I am hurt. Bafana Bafana hurt me. I thought they would be spectacular since we are supporting them so strongly. But oh no, they played like high school boys. Ivory Coast did just the same. I don't even wanna start with Cameroon.

But the World Cup is spectacular. being in the stadium is something else. The sound of vuvuzela brings tears in my eyes. The passion, the energy, the love for every human being who shares the same air with me. Ah. thank God I decided to the a volunteer in media. I have seen all the games in Durban.

POETRY

I Want to Be Free

I want to be free, to be myself.
I want to be free of shame
as I walk, smile, enjoy life handed to me,
freely.

I want inner peace.
I want voices to stop. I miss the music.
I do, act and oblige to requests,
believing, hoping acceptance is a given,
but it's not.

I cannot breathe. I don't know how,
how to be myself, or whom to be.
My exterior is fused with an uninvited guest,
covered with shame,
ashamed that I am battling to disclose a secret,
in exchange for some peace.
No one wants to see this, talk about it...
questioning looks, don't you have any shame?
I do.

I am angry. I didn't want this, you.
It was an idea... your idea.
I thought I could be free.
I knew it would be short term.
I thought I could escape, have fun, and it was fun.
Funny that you were not even my final choice,
but I didn't mind.

Anything, just to exhale, to get some sense of release.
I blushed, flirted, smiled, giggled, laughed...
being myself, to some degree.
My toes curled, feeling, tasting your fresh breath resuscitate me.
The excitement reached its peak. I knew I couldn't hold for long.
I was terrified and excited simultaneously.

I could hear my shell cracking, warning me. I was getting closer,
tasting freedom, tearing the shackles.
I took the plunge, wanting it not to end.
I closed my eyes, let go, and exhaled, exposing my being,
merging the exterior and internal... wounds.

I shattered the shell, hoping you would ignore
the scars, the fresh wounds,
and continue to excite me.
I exhaled, giving in completely. Instantly I was free.
Instantaneously everything stopped. You froze, we both did.
The dark cloud overcame the light. The shock, rejection, pain,
reverberated in the core of my spirit, my soul.
The real me revealed, ruining the moment.

You were gone,
without even making a sound.

What happened?
I happened; I came alive, and killed all the life around me.
I grovelled, picking up pieces of my wrecked shell,
calling out to you, to convince you,
It's okay.

But my voice couldn't reach.
I guess the shock and disgust blinded you,
deafened your senses.
Mine were alert, waiting for a saviour,
maybe you.

Angels came, consoling, hugging,
and humming away the pain with soothing tunes.
I held on, covering the wounds, taking smaller breaths,
steps, looking over my shoulder hoping
you might return, knowing you would not.
The voices asked me repeatedly,
What were you thinking? Don't you have any shame?
I do.

Months later, back under my solid shell,
rearranging, adjusting. I open the door
to let in the sunrays, relieved
the majority of your footsteps have disappeared.

But you emerge. You...
You, the same you, with no excuse, or explanation, asking for me.
A collage of hurtful memories and excitement plays simultaneously.
What do I do?
If I, would you, maybe, what if, maybe... no answers.
Neither of us is willing to share.
I'm venting. You watch, no apology,
but a caress of my exterior
shatters my shell into pieces, all over again.

I know that touch. It turns me wild
and breaks me in the process.
I hold on trying to hide as you convince me,
This time it will be different.
I missed this, I enjoy this, but is it real this time, will you stay?
I give in, again.

To my surprise, the ecstasy is gone;
it's dull, like touching an old wound.
Delicate, soft and quick touches, with no meaning.
You must be disgusted; I'm disgusting.
Faking the excitement was a rescue, to save us both.
You must be revolted.
With eyes closed and your hands clutched, we lay silently,
fully clothed, bodies apart, only fabrics touching.
I want to be free. I need my home, my safety shell.

Where to from here?
Voices whisper, Give it your all,
before slamming the door shut.
Anything left to say?
The climax is over. There is no other beginning.
Being here or there feels the same. One thing remains.
I want to be myself, to be free.
Can you help me? Do I need you?

FRIENDS

Where would we be without friends. Hooked up with a friend I have missed so much...OKECHI...I have missed you my friend. It was good talking to him. This is one man I wish to know for eternity. There is nothing amazing we do or talk about except of coursing just 'fooling around'. But his existence means so much to me. ....I love talking to him. He makes me so angry at times. I ignore him for months or weeks, then we get to talk again, it's like a breath of fresh air. Ask me what do we talk about.  Mostly politics. I am amazed how much he knows about my country.
The man is based in Kenya, but you would think he is right next door. He converse about issues like he is in the country. Amazing. And then I feel bad. I don't follow up on issues in Africa, I only do if something big happens. But Okechi, no he knows it all. My passion and deep love for my continent is kept alive by friends like these. Love u Okechi. I love being friends with you. COME TO THE WORLD CUP.

ACTION

I've finally completed a script I have been working on for months. I am so excited. It's like giving birtth to a child. Wow. I'm proud of myself. Now begins the phase of raising the child, which is also making sure that I get this project off the ground. For the first time in my life I'm gonna go big or go home as they put it.

It's going to happen, as God is my witness. I'm starting a fight for all women. 

EASTER WEEKEND

I'm at work on Saturday. Not complaining, not at all. It is quiet, no one is disturbing...although I miss mu colleagues sense of humour.
I'm excited about the script I am working on. Head lovely news that one of my piece is being published. Fantastic and fabulous.
I am enjoying being home. My son is coming back and I can smile again.
Great to be alive.

TO PUBLISH

My goodness, when it's time, it's just is. I wrote a piece of something I felt sometime ago. I emailed it to someone and I have just been told it is to be published. Who would have known? Especially a piece on the issues of HIV/AIDS something people rarely want to talk about. I'm grateful to God for this opportunity. My prayers are answered. I have been asking him for help, to show me what I am supposed to do and his light is leading me. 

I will show its link here when the editing is finalised so that you can also read it. 

OK!

The past few days has been a challenge. Feeling the recession, work, studies and family crisis. I am glad to say the tension is easing down on me.

I am enjoying this beautiful day. The end of the week, approaching the holiday on Monday. Looking forward to the end of the month. My son school is closing for Eater holidays next week. We are almost over with the 1t quarter of the year. I am already asking myself, what have I done which is remarkable for 2010. I love this year, even just saying 2010, brings hope and brightens my day.

I am planning a life changing journey which I would like to take this year. I am confident I am going to change people's lives, bring hope, happiness and confidence to those who needs it the most. I am excited and for the 1st time in a long run, I don't have anxiety.

I have a strong feeling I am approaching the real goal. The real reason why I am placed here at this moment. The feeling has nothing to do with money, but something within my soul. I have had this void for so many years, that I am not living my purpose. Yes, I have enjoyed most of the work I have done, but some I have done half hearted. Knowing I was not contributing as I am required. I am glad I am reaching my goal at this stage of my life, because I am aware of who I am.

I am at peace with who I am. I am me, just as I am. I love the age, my body, my existence. Now it is time to share the feeling and make others see their potential. It is the best feeling in the world.
The time is now. I feel it, I embrace it and I understand what is expected from me. I can truly say, God's timing is spot on. This would not have made any sense if it had hit be before. I would have missed all the signs. But right now, I am aware and I am thirsty for it.

Let's roll!

2010

This signifies how I feel. Refreshed, green with ideas and motivation. This year is mine. I planning to pray hard to God's support and the holy spirit to lead me to where I am supposed to be. 

I am crossing my fingers that I become a better person, with a free spirit, maturity and humility. I am working hard to be a better mother, woman and human being. I feel a strong connection with this year. I am a year away from my biggest celebration of my life. Celebrating my existence. I feel I need to thank God and his angels for watching over me, sticking by me, even when I didn't deserve it. 

I am looking to fighting the distraction which often try and upset God's plan. But I have no fear, I smile with ease, knowing I am not alone. 

Thank you for this day, and pls, never ever leave me. 

BIRTHDAY MONTH

This time of the year, the month I was born. I often reflect, and again I have. I am thankful of what I have achieved with my career, although it is not taking the direction I am excited about. I am thankful for my friends, who are there in times of happiness and need. I am thankful for my family who are my pillar of strength, who help to achieve and always motivate me. I am so thankful for my one and only son, who is one of the big reasons when I fall, I pick myself up in a flash. I wanna teach him to be a survivor. I am thankful for all those who spread the positive energy my way. I am so thankful I am alive to enjoy God's creation. Thank you.