COUNT DOWN TO WORLD AIDS DAY

It's 7 days away from World AIDS day. You would think it will be Christmas Day. No. But yes to me. I'm looking forward to it. To be able to talk about HIV/AIDS. This is like aday people suddenly wake up and say, "Oh, there is AIDS after all". Well that's fine. But I am gonna make the loudest noice. Let's get tested. Let's change our behaviour. I'm making sure friends become part of this movement. We need to break down this fear. What are we afraid of? Afraid to know if you are well or not? How can that be?

To this day I have a few committment and I hope it grows. 

IF MUSIC BE THE FOOD OF LIFE PLAY ON

I was driving to work sometime last week. A song 'Champagne Life' by Ne-Yo came on. Oooooh! Fabulous hit. Loved it instantly. I suddenly missed my fisrt job being a Technical Producer. I could listen to all types of music, any time. I love sound. I love being in a studio. It does something to my soul, heart beat. You name it. But I console myself that I can have it back. I wanna create shows, put them on the web, approach community radio stations. I get excited just thinking about it.

What would we do without music...without the beat, soothing melodies. I know for a fact I would be lost. It revives me. But hey, I feel so shamed that the first time I saw Ne-Yo. I was ashamed that I love mature music made by a young boy. I love Usher on stage. Now I am hooked again on Ne-Yo. Ooh. Maybe I missed a stage ..lol...ten years between 30 to 40. I'm trying to look around, wondering what have I done for those ten years. I feel like I was struggling so much I missed the music. I missed living. I missed life. I missed my rythm. Now I feel I have to pace. I'm rushing myself, rushing the time. I am hopping back and forth. Living in the moment and re-living what I missed.

It's not so bad. I am finding myself in the process. Maybe there is a reason all of this is happening right now. I can maturely enjoy my adult life...lol, nothing like tapping yourself on the back. One gain ... having a fabulous relationship with my son, my best friend. That's the greatest price I've ever received. I would never have known him like I do now. Our greatest connection, love for music.

So, yes, if music be our food of life play on. I can enjoy it with my son.

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

My goodness...39 years. I've wanted this for so long. I could taste it. And now it's here. Thank you Lord Jesus. This is the best gift you've given me. To be alive.

From the day I was diagnosed HIV positive I've been praying for long life. It's 12 years living with this disease. My prayer is changing. I'm begging for another year, the long and big 40. I know in my heart God will not play games with my feelings. I'm getting energy to fight harder. To enjoy fuller. To smile broader. This life is a blessing and I wanna shine like I've never shined before. I'm trully blessed to be still breathing. I'm blessed.

To have a friend like Jenny. Just had lunch and a beautiful gift. So many best wishes. I am loved. I know that. I'm mnotivated to live longer. I'm motivated to be happy, strong as so many look up to me.

Thank you Lord 

CONFERENCE - LIVING WITH HIV/AIDS

I have been invited to a Conference which will be held on the 5th and 6th of November at Elangeni Hotel. I'm supposed to give a talk about the 'role of people living with HIV'. I'm extremely excited and nervous at the same time. To know that I will be speaking on the same podium with The Mayor Obed Mlaba and Dr. Zweli Mkhize, my goodness just the thought of that makes me 'shake'. 

I attended this Conference last year and it changed my life. I know it is bound to do the same thing as again. I'll meet people who has been doing these talks for years, and those recently diagnosed. The topic is dear to my heart as it addressed the reasons I have taken on this journey of preaching about the importance of avoiding re-infection. I am worried I may step on someone's toes and offend sensitive listeners, while motivating others. I have always been frustrated knowing that there are re-infections. I strongly believe there is no negative person can infect a positive person. What does that say about positive people? Are they knowingly infecting negative people, or there is no protection or care in the world? For the next few days I have to think deeply about that. 

Re-infections. Once we put away a condom and have unprotected sex, what does that mean, to someone already infected? I have been there and it was not a pretty site. I believe from the start that, it is important to to be open about someone's status. If you love someone that much, you must overcome that fear. The most important fear -- should be getting new infection.

Life is manageable though.   

AND NOW...

This week we did the eleventh episode of the HIVAIDS show on Ukhozi FM. I'm extremely proud. I never even thought it would come to this.
From next week we are going out to the 'people'. I am hoping those will be people living with HIV. When I initially thought about the show, I wanted to give those people a voice. I am a bit disappointed that the majority of them are not coming out. At the same time I am proud that we are creating an awareness and educating people.
I'll be interviewing inmates from a Correctional Services. I am scared, not of them but of what this may do. I don't want to put their lives in danger, by making them disclose too much. But I am also excited since it's hard to break those walls and make people talk. I've always wanted to do that, so why not. Looking forward to it. Tune in, that interview will be a documentary format. I want it to be the best show of these series of shows.
I am looking forward to the next ten shows. I am raising the bar. People are gonna be blown away. By the time we do the tour which I am planning for December, things will be hot. Since I am putting this on paper as such, now I have to do it.
Hold on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride. We gonna talk about things we never talk about. When you thought our show about oral sex was a shocker, you haven't seen anything yet. Love you all.

FABULOUS

The show is going into the sixth week. Enjoying it so very much. Touching people's lives, and changing the way people think about themselves. Amazing. Thank God for an opportunity to do this. Looking forward to bigger projects.

THEY ARE BACK - WE TAKE AN INTERMISSION

Ghana is back! Yep, playing Bafana Bafana on Wednesday.

HIV POSITIVE TALK takes a break this week so that we can watch the game. Looking forward to it. Heard some of the superstars didn't make it. I think, what's new?

This give me time to prepare for the next week's show. We will be hosting women living pasitively with HIV. I have always wanted to do this show and thank God this day has come. I am meeting the ladies on Friday. Stay alert, the show will be aired on the 18th of August. We are celebrating women, since it's Women's month.

The next show will address CANCER. We are back on the street, talking to our sisters about pap smear, breast cancer and HIV testing. I will be talking to ladies who often do my hair. I go into that show with a heavy heart since I haven't done pap smear for years. That is why I believe the show will raise my consciousness. Through this show I am learning to love myself a bit more. I am learning to accept myself and pat myself on the back and say, 'Go girl, live". I am enjoying that so much.

Will enjoy watching Ghana. Will enjoy Friday's interviews. You will love the next show.

HIV POSITIVE TALK

H-AI-VEE POZ (HIV+) is the name of our organisation. We do talks on UKHOZI FM between 20:30 and 21:00 every Wednesday.

When I first thought of doing this programme 2008, I thought it would be fun and games. I will be honest. I often used to ask myself, why can't we let people living with HIV just have fun, and forget for a while. Now that I am conducting field interviews, meeting ordinary people on the streets that don't have much voice, I understand.

When I conduct interviews I make sure I approach men, who often hide what they really feel. I want to hear what is their take on issues. I also make sure I target someone who will rarely call the studio. Therefore that means I talk to street vendors, taxi drivers and street sweepers. First of all I am humbled by the conditions they live under. I am motivated by their passion for life. Lastly, I am educated by their views on sex, relationships and HIV/AIDS.

It is enlightening talking to grown men who believe having multiple partners is not a big issue. The idea behind that is that, "as Amazulu, we can have as many partners as we want, that what polygamy is about. Having sex with those women without a condom is a must, because I trust them and they are MINE. If one of them goes out and gets infected, well, too bad". Majority of my brothers and fathers feel thay way, those who believe in polygamy. Some have seen a female condom which they dislike, others even pledge that, "I will stick my finger in there and take it out. I know that big sack". As a woman I listen as I cross my legs almost feeling the discomfort.

I laugh hysterically as women tell how they know the condom is broken, "I know, things starts getting too sweet. I then tell him, wait, it is getting too nice, this thing is broken". As much as we enjoy making love, the condom has become part of the moans and passion in the moment.  I sigh with relief afterwards relieved that, at least she can talk about it. One woman said with pride "sex with a condom is neat and clean. When you are done, you have no sex juices". Wow, I have never looked at it like that, good to note.

I am touched by a good looking brother, with a beautiful smile, starting at me with fear when I asked him why has he never done an HIV test. He looks away and says, "I don't know. I guess I am afraid. I think I might even kill myself when it comes back positive. Who can I tell? Who will support me?". It was like someone has kicked me in the stomach. That statement achoed for all the men and women afraid to test. There is no strong support sytem. The reason I wanted to start this show. Share the love. Caring for other people. For the first time in a long run, I am proud of what I do. I can do this everyday of my life.  

IT'S THE END AND THE BEGINNING

Okay, it's official. My World Cup is over -- for me and my strong support. All the Africa countries are out, Argentina is out, even Germany. I have no choice, I have to resume my life. Yes, I will watch the final -- with a heavy heart, while doing something else. Of course I will be wishing my favorite teams were playing.

I am starting new projects which are sooo close to my heart, I actually should be doing them everyday. I am starting a radio show promoting HIV testing and positive lifestyle when infected. I am extremely positive it will be a success. I am planning to change people's lives and give the voiceless a loud howl. I also plan to travel a bit, of course, during school holidays, so my son is not affected in any way.

I am also crossing fingers the current serial I am writing is extended, which would mean I am writing on a daily basis. That will be a dream come true. It will definitely do wonders for my writing skills. We will also break new ground with the new format we have in mind. I pray God stay with me on this, and if it what He wants for me, for his benefit, I know He will open the door.

It's all coming together. As we close the World Cup door, more real work begins. Of course, God willing, we will be in Brazil in 2014, doing what we were doing in this World Cup. It was fabulous. Met exciting people. Made new friends. And excited about the beginning of a new page, which I have waited long to flip it. Merci beaucoup.

WORLD CUP 2010 - SOUTH AFRICA

Ghana is my last hope. My love for Africa, lies with this this team. This weekend I even bought their flag. I feel ashamed that I only bought a small South African flag. But hey, I am hurt. Bafana Bafana hurt me. I thought they would be spectacular since we are supporting them so strongly. But oh no, they played like high school boys. Ivory Coast did just the same. I don't even wanna start with Cameroon.

But the World Cup is spectacular. being in the stadium is something else. The sound of vuvuzela brings tears in my eyes. The passion, the energy, the love for every human being who shares the same air with me. Ah. thank God I decided to the a volunteer in media. I have seen all the games in Durban.

POETRY

I Want to Be Free

I want to be free, to be myself.
I want to be free of shame
as I walk, smile, enjoy life handed to me,
freely.

I want inner peace.
I want voices to stop. I miss the music.
I do, act and oblige to requests,
believing, hoping acceptance is a given,
but it's not.

I cannot breathe. I don't know how,
how to be myself, or whom to be.
My exterior is fused with an uninvited guest,
covered with shame,
ashamed that I am battling to disclose a secret,
in exchange for some peace.
No one wants to see this, talk about it...
questioning looks, don't you have any shame?
I do.

I am angry. I didn't want this, you.
It was an idea... your idea.
I thought I could be free.
I knew it would be short term.
I thought I could escape, have fun, and it was fun.
Funny that you were not even my final choice,
but I didn't mind.

Anything, just to exhale, to get some sense of release.
I blushed, flirted, smiled, giggled, laughed...
being myself, to some degree.
My toes curled, feeling, tasting your fresh breath resuscitate me.
The excitement reached its peak. I knew I couldn't hold for long.
I was terrified and excited simultaneously.

I could hear my shell cracking, warning me. I was getting closer,
tasting freedom, tearing the shackles.
I took the plunge, wanting it not to end.
I closed my eyes, let go, and exhaled, exposing my being,
merging the exterior and internal... wounds.

I shattered the shell, hoping you would ignore
the scars, the fresh wounds,
and continue to excite me.
I exhaled, giving in completely. Instantly I was free.
Instantaneously everything stopped. You froze, we both did.
The dark cloud overcame the light. The shock, rejection, pain,
reverberated in the core of my spirit, my soul.
The real me revealed, ruining the moment.

You were gone,
without even making a sound.

What happened?
I happened; I came alive, and killed all the life around me.
I grovelled, picking up pieces of my wrecked shell,
calling out to you, to convince you,
It's okay.

But my voice couldn't reach.
I guess the shock and disgust blinded you,
deafened your senses.
Mine were alert, waiting for a saviour,
maybe you.

Angels came, consoling, hugging,
and humming away the pain with soothing tunes.
I held on, covering the wounds, taking smaller breaths,
steps, looking over my shoulder hoping
you might return, knowing you would not.
The voices asked me repeatedly,
What were you thinking? Don't you have any shame?
I do.

Months later, back under my solid shell,
rearranging, adjusting. I open the door
to let in the sunrays, relieved
the majority of your footsteps have disappeared.

But you emerge. You...
You, the same you, with no excuse, or explanation, asking for me.
A collage of hurtful memories and excitement plays simultaneously.
What do I do?
If I, would you, maybe, what if, maybe... no answers.
Neither of us is willing to share.
I'm venting. You watch, no apology,
but a caress of my exterior
shatters my shell into pieces, all over again.

I know that touch. It turns me wild
and breaks me in the process.
I hold on trying to hide as you convince me,
This time it will be different.
I missed this, I enjoy this, but is it real this time, will you stay?
I give in, again.

To my surprise, the ecstasy is gone;
it's dull, like touching an old wound.
Delicate, soft and quick touches, with no meaning.
You must be disgusted; I'm disgusting.
Faking the excitement was a rescue, to save us both.
You must be revolted.
With eyes closed and your hands clutched, we lay silently,
fully clothed, bodies apart, only fabrics touching.
I want to be free. I need my home, my safety shell.

Where to from here?
Voices whisper, Give it your all,
before slamming the door shut.
Anything left to say?
The climax is over. There is no other beginning.
Being here or there feels the same. One thing remains.
I want to be myself, to be free.
Can you help me? Do I need you?

FRIENDS

Where would we be without friends. Hooked up with a friend I have missed so much...OKECHI...I have missed you my friend. It was good talking to him. This is one man I wish to know for eternity. There is nothing amazing we do or talk about except of coursing just 'fooling around'. But his existence means so much to me. ....I love talking to him. He makes me so angry at times. I ignore him for months or weeks, then we get to talk again, it's like a breath of fresh air. Ask me what do we talk about.  Mostly politics. I am amazed how much he knows about my country.
The man is based in Kenya, but you would think he is right next door. He converse about issues like he is in the country. Amazing. And then I feel bad. I don't follow up on issues in Africa, I only do if something big happens. But Okechi, no he knows it all. My passion and deep love for my continent is kept alive by friends like these. Love u Okechi. I love being friends with you. COME TO THE WORLD CUP.

ACTION

I've finally completed a script I have been working on for months. I am so excited. It's like giving birtth to a child. Wow. I'm proud of myself. Now begins the phase of raising the child, which is also making sure that I get this project off the ground. For the first time in my life I'm gonna go big or go home as they put it.

It's going to happen, as God is my witness. I'm starting a fight for all women. 

EASTER WEEKEND

I'm at work on Saturday. Not complaining, not at all. It is quiet, no one is disturbing...although I miss mu colleagues sense of humour.
I'm excited about the script I am working on. Head lovely news that one of my piece is being published. Fantastic and fabulous.
I am enjoying being home. My son is coming back and I can smile again.
Great to be alive.

TO PUBLISH

My goodness, when it's time, it's just is. I wrote a piece of something I felt sometime ago. I emailed it to someone and I have just been told it is to be published. Who would have known? Especially a piece on the issues of HIV/AIDS something people rarely want to talk about. I'm grateful to God for this opportunity. My prayers are answered. I have been asking him for help, to show me what I am supposed to do and his light is leading me. 

I will show its link here when the editing is finalised so that you can also read it. 

OK!

The past few days has been a challenge. Feeling the recession, work, studies and family crisis. I am glad to say the tension is easing down on me.

I am enjoying this beautiful day. The end of the week, approaching the holiday on Monday. Looking forward to the end of the month. My son school is closing for Eater holidays next week. We are almost over with the 1t quarter of the year. I am already asking myself, what have I done which is remarkable for 2010. I love this year, even just saying 2010, brings hope and brightens my day.

I am planning a life changing journey which I would like to take this year. I am confident I am going to change people's lives, bring hope, happiness and confidence to those who needs it the most. I am excited and for the 1st time in a long run, I don't have anxiety.

I have a strong feeling I am approaching the real goal. The real reason why I am placed here at this moment. The feeling has nothing to do with money, but something within my soul. I have had this void for so many years, that I am not living my purpose. Yes, I have enjoyed most of the work I have done, but some I have done half hearted. Knowing I was not contributing as I am required. I am glad I am reaching my goal at this stage of my life, because I am aware of who I am.

I am at peace with who I am. I am me, just as I am. I love the age, my body, my existence. Now it is time to share the feeling and make others see their potential. It is the best feeling in the world.
The time is now. I feel it, I embrace it and I understand what is expected from me. I can truly say, God's timing is spot on. This would not have made any sense if it had hit be before. I would have missed all the signs. But right now, I am aware and I am thirsty for it.

Let's roll!

2010

This signifies how I feel. Refreshed, green with ideas and motivation. This year is mine. I planning to pray hard to God's support and the holy spirit to lead me to where I am supposed to be. 

I am crossing my fingers that I become a better person, with a free spirit, maturity and humility. I am working hard to be a better mother, woman and human being. I feel a strong connection with this year. I am a year away from my biggest celebration of my life. Celebrating my existence. I feel I need to thank God and his angels for watching over me, sticking by me, even when I didn't deserve it. 

I am looking to fighting the distraction which often try and upset God's plan. But I have no fear, I smile with ease, knowing I am not alone. 

Thank you for this day, and pls, never ever leave me.